I wonder often if I will ever live up to the expectations I have for myself in my head. I am forgiving of other peoples faults because I realize nobody is perfect but when it comes to my own life I have a hard time cutting myself slack. I have talked about this a little in previous posts but my mood of the last few days has inspired me to elaborate.
I am book smart. I graduated high in my class from high school with very little effort and went on to Tulsa Community College to start taking pre-pharmacy classes. I took classes for a few years and did fine. I could have done much better had I put forth more than the most basic effort but I coasted by. That has been a recurring trend in my life. Doing just what I have to do to get by and being content with that. At least until I’m not. Anyway long story short I messed up my college through a combination of depression and apathy and put myself in a situation where my GPA was/is shot to hell and I owed money before I could even consider going back to school. I have paid off over half of what I owe…after procrastinating for a couple of years.
I have written previously how my life has improved greatly over the last couple of years and that is very true. My life is better in almost all areas than it was in 2008. I am healthy, still not so wealthy, and hopefully a little more wise than I was then. So why have I been so down for the last few days. I shouldn’t be. I found out last week that I will get to remain in Tulsa for my job and I am meeting with the VP of this region in the morning to discuss my new job. I will talk about that tomorrow more than likely once everything becomes official. The job should be a great position for me and I SHOULD get a raise. I ran some numbers earlier today. Even if I get a 33% percent pay raise, which I think is the most I can expect and I will be shocked if I get that, my gross salary will still not be the greatest thing ever. Obviously it will be much better than it is now and it won’t be anything to sneeze at, especially for someone without a degree but I find myself still bothered by it all. I keep thinking about having a wife and children and how I want to provide for them and I think about how I live now and I think about the challenges financially we will face especially if my future wife’s career does not bring in much financially. I should mention a couple of things at this point. First of all I am not even dating anyone at this point and don’t have any prospects and for myself I am not hung up on money. If it is just me and I can support myself I am happy but if you introduce a family into that equation suddenly money jumps to the front of that equation.
My concerns with money come from being raised in a household where money was always a concern. We were never financially secure. My parents made a lot of mistakes with money and after my mother went on disability things became very tough. I remember thinking as a teenager that I never wanted my future family to go through the same. Yet here I am. It is not all bad. I have very little debt, but by that same token I really don’t own anything either other than a car with an outrageous number of miles on it.
So here are my options for the future:
1. Continue to work for my company where I am well respected and continue to make decent but not great money and be content with that.
2. Pay off OSU and start taking a class or two at a time. I would have to pay for the classes myself because I am certain I can’t get any financial aid at this point.
This scenario leads to the problem of what do I pursue a degree in. I don’t know if my GPA can recover enough for me to get into pharmacy school which is my first love. My other passions are cinema and history. Neither of which I can really make a career out of easily.
I fully realize how stupid a lot of this must sound. I mean I am letting myself get down over a hypothetical future. I should really be focusing more on actually meeting women. I wish it was as simple as snapping my fingers and just putting my insecurities behind me. I can write in this blog post that I have a lot going for me and know that it is true but when push comes to shove I sometimes think I don’t deserve to be loved. Harsh I know. I am not bad looking but I will never turn women’s heads as I pass by. I am friendly but overly shy so I find it damn near impossible to strike up a conversation with women. I enjoy hanging out at bars with my friends but I don’t like the club scene. Too many people in a small place for me. I also tend to overlook qualities I don’t like in women because I want so desperately to be loved. I really ought to make a list of what I am looking for in a woman. I haven’t ever seriously wrote down all the things that attract me to a woman.Ā Perhaps the most important thing I could do for myself would be to stop getting hung up on things that will never be. By not letting go of or addressing certain things in my life I give myself an excuse to not really try. I just can’t do that anymore.
I have talked in previous posts about how I don’t want to be that person who bitches about things and never does anything about them. So here are a few things I am going to do:
1. I want to make a budget. I am inspired to do this by my friend and his fiance who have their budget figured out down to the penny. My own doesn’t need to be that exact but it would be good to sit down and say here is how much I make. Here are all my bills. Perhaps then I can start saving money and it wouldn’t seem like my money is disappearing into thin air.
2. I am giving myself 1 month to contact OSU and set up some type of payment plan. Even if I don’t go back to school this is something I need to do. It has been hanging over my head for too long.I am giving myself the cushion because there is a good possibility I could become salary with my new job which should make planning a budget easier. Also money is pretty darn tight at the moment so I can’t make a big payment.
3. I am going to set up a profile and become a member of an online dating site. I am giving myself 4 weeks for this endeavor for mainly the same reasons mentioned above. I have always been very very skeptical about online dating and still am not sold on the concept but a friend of mine had some success with it and frankly I have to do something. I am not meeting new women and my favorite hobbies, cinema and reading, are not great ways to meet women either. I have not decided which site to use and I am open to suggestions on it.
I don’t know what will come of doing these things but at least I will be trying.
I typed this whole thing out and then I almost deleted it. I was rereading this post and it still freaks me out to put so much of myself out there. I fear that people will think less of me because of my insecurities and doubts. I must remember that I am doing this blog primarily for me to help me lay out my thoughts and hopefully make sense of certain things and hope that is enough.
A few thoughts:
Quiken is awesome for budgeting! You can put in the next month’s bills and income and see what it all looks like, and you can sync it with your online banking.
What’s the harm in trying to get back in school? If you don’t try you will always wonder what if.
I think we all want our children to have a better life than we had. It’s a natural thought to have.
When you are in the position that you are ready for a wife and kids you will financially make it happen. There is never a perfect time to get married and have kids. The money will never be perfect enough, hut you will be able to make it work.
Congrats on your job, I hope you get good news and a big raise!
I will check on Quiken. It sounds like a great program and much more efficient than my plan to use an excel spreadsheet. Thank you for the kind words. I really do appreciate it. š
Hey:)
Just do what you think is right for you at the moment…without pushing yourself too hard. I tried pushing myself to meet my high expectations and I just couldn’t. Take it one step at a time.
And yes,money is the main priority the jumps to the equation when you start a family. But when you meet someone that you really like,you’ll try to manage and create a better environment for both of you to live in. I tried to learn that when I got married.
And you’re not the only person who doesn’t cut himself some slack…I do the same with myself too. It’s like a double edged weapon,because maybe if some body is too easy on their selves,they’ll regret nothing and may not change anything for the better!
Cheers
Thank you for commenting. š . I am thankful for the advice. It is true that having expectations that are too high just sets myself up for failure. I need to find a nice middle ground on the expectations front.
Mint.com taught me how to budget.
Match.com is much better than eHarmony.
Enjoy your life now. There’s no need to put the horse in front of the cart. Focus on making yourself who you want to be and things will work out in the end. Maybe not how you wanted them to, but how they needed to.
Thank you for the advice. If this E-Harmony thing doesn’t work out I may check out Match.com. I am keeping my options open.